31: Dealing Versus Letting Go

Steven Ginsburg: 0:00

Here's where you gain your power by understanding that you are powerless over people, places and things.

Steve Coughran: 0:07

This is the Addiction Recovery Podcast with Steven T Ginsburg, founder of Restore Detox Centers in sunny California. Enjoy your experience. Hey, Steven, here's a critical concept that I want to talk through with you. Hey, Steven, here's a critical concept that I want to talk through with you. It's this idea of dealing versus letting go. Let me set the stage here, and then I want to hear your opinion, especially as it pertains to your work at Restore and just in life in general. I mean, you've had a lot of experience working with individuals, so I'm sure you're going to have a ton of great insights on this.

Steve Coughran: 0:43

But with dealing, okay, I dealt with a situation last week in my personal life. My wife and I were going through this very challenging issue that just continues to come up. I'm going to be vague to protect the innocent here, even though I shouldn't protect the innocent. So we're dealing with this ongoing issue with this person is very difficult in our lives and we you know it ended up causing a fight in our own relationship and we got done, you know, like working through this, and we wasted so much time talking through it and fighting and all this stuff and my wife said to me hey, look, you know what. Maybe we should start focusing on letting go versus dealing, and I thought, wow, that's really brilliant.

Steve Coughran: 1:25

And so, really, what I mean by this and what I want to hear your opinion on, is okay, we can't just brush things under the rug, especially as it relates to dealing with addiction or other issues in our lives, but you can't just be like, oh yep, I'm going to turn a blind eye my kid's drinking, nothing to see here brush it under the rug, not deal with it, just let it go. Or a partner, whoever it may be, or just maybe things in our lives that comes up. I mean, we all deal with these difficult things, so we can't just walk around with our head in the clouds and ignoring everything. But also there are certain situations that we just need to let go of, otherwise it can be very detrimental to our emotional wellbeing. I want to hear your thoughts on this, and how do you view dealing versus letting go?

Steven Ginsburg: 2:14

Thank you, I love this and this truly addresses an absolute crossroads that comes up and that matters and that becomes a learned life skill for people in recovery. So there's two facets to this. One of the most important pages in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is page 417. And it talks about the imperative nature and the value of acceptance accepting all things, people, places and things as being exactly the way they're supposed to be at that moment. That's a really important page. That's a page that we will always lean on and do groups in. So that's one facet of it that you accept the reality that's been served, accept meeting people where they're at and accept the way things are for your own peace of mind. Yes, so that box is checked when it comes to dealing with it.

Steven Ginsburg: 3:13

The element there that matters is we never want to allow ourselves or have loved ones enable any behavior that's self-destructive or counterproductive.

Steven Ginsburg: 3:26

Right, and so that's where there's some boundaries amidst that issue.

Steven Ginsburg: 3:30

You know you're not going to go into the realm of acceptance when your child is fighting life-threatening addiction and then, on the other side of that, you're not going to enable that behavior as well. But there are times where the way you win that big war that you're dealing with is by surrendering the battle, and that's something that, through the course of recovery and through the course of learning a sober lifestyle, you want to develop, those tools, just like you want to develop. You know, I am not a golfer, but when you're a golfer you develop your ability to handle and use different clubs in different situations. These are the two clubs you want to really get masterfully surrounded with, because they're going to come up time and time again To your point. Here you are in your walk of life. You and your wife are dealing with a circumstance and one of the best things you can do is let go and let God meet that individual where they are and understand like, thank goodness it's not you and move on with your life.

Steve Coughran: 4:27

Yeah, exactly, and I think that's so important. I mean, here's my challenge. I'm definitely an overthinker, so I like to think about things and I analyze things and I can get really technical with stuff, which is very valuable in my professional world as I'm turning around companies and helping companies to grow. I come in and put in place a strategy and you have to think about all these different aspects of the business. So that analysis and that overthinking and just being able to think deeply about a situation is very valuable professionally.

Steve Coughran: 5:02

Now, personally, it could be beneficial as well, but the counter to it, the Achilles heel of all of this, stephen, is that I can overanalyze and try to come up with different scenarios and solutions and try to anticipate problems and figure out how I'm going to pivot to this or that before it even happens. And I think a lot of us can fall into this trap even if we're not overthinkers of just trying to solve things that don't need to be solved. And what are your thoughts about that and how do you balance that? Because some things are just unsolvable and sometimes we can't control the behavior of other people.

Steven Ginsburg: 5:40

So the one facet is look it was funny as you were sharing with me, I think about paralysis by analysis.

Steven Ginsburg: 5:49

It's a very real thing.

Steven Ginsburg: 5:51

I really believe that's where one day at a time benefits anyone and all of us greatly, and sometimes one day at a time is even too far of a scope. Sometimes we need to work on the hour, or sometimes we need to work on the event, or sometimes we take it minute by minute. So on the one hand, that part of it's important. But just like we're examining these two facets, I think there's two sides to that as well. I think it's also important to look at the whole board, and when I say the word board, I mean think of it as the chessboard and really look and think about playing the tape all the way through on each step, on each move in our life. Why? Because actions have consequences and we've got to take it all the way through and do our best and sometimes we've got to prayerfully slow down and consider what our next step is and work on that realm where we are slow to anger and continue to make peace and let things go and let God, because that will create a broader, easier path for ourselves.

Steve Coughran: 6:55

Yeah, that makes sense and I agree with that. So I mean, when you're working with people at Restore in the community, you know you spend a lot of time one-on-one helping individuals to heal and to go down this path of recovery and a lot of times, just like each of us, people come to you with a lot of baggage from their childhood, from their current relationship with their children, their family, their jobs, whatever it may be. What advice do you give them in this context? I mean, are there times where you're like, look, you know, Jonathan or Samantha, I'm just making there times where you're like, look, Jonathan or Samantha, I'm just making up these names. Do you say, hey, you need to just get a grip on yourself and just let it go? Or is there a different advice that you give to somebody who is dealing with something that may be out of their circumstances and tie it back to what you said earlier about letting go?

Steven Ginsburg: 7:47

Sure. So much of that. It makes me default to thinking about how we help people navigate trauma, steve, and there's such a strong baseline with trauma where I want people to understand we've got victims, of victims, of victims and the word victim can take a lot of different shapes and forms, but there's generational strife that is handed down. Someone has that place where they can stand up and break the cycle. Someone has that place and that area of opportunity where they have a program, they have a design for living. We're helping them get in touch with that, we're helping them get into a rhythm with that. And we have to consider that as we're meeting people where they're at and as we're doing life on life's terms, with acceptance, and when dealing with these family members, and realize that we're the ones who have stepped out of that that actual cycle of dysfunction, and have a program that helps us learn how to live. And that's a huge part of overcoming those chains that bind us and those self-fulfilling prophecies that dysfunctional families all too often set for ourselves.

Steve Coughran: 9:04

Sure, no, and I agree, and I think that's spot on. No-transcript. Okay, I probably spent 500 hours dealing with these issues and could I process that in 200 hours Maybe? Maybe that's just part of my journey, but I learned a lot in the process. But how often do we try to deal with every single little thing? And I think it could be really addictive too, especially in relationships.

Steve Coughran: 10:02

It's like hey, how was your day? Oh, it's like terrible, this and this happened and this and this happened. Then the other person feeds off that they're oh yeah, you should have heard you know this conversation at work. And then it was this and this and this, and it's like drama and all this negativity and we can really feed off each other and, you know, try to like deal with things and like scheme on things and all this stuff, and at some point you just gotta say you know what? Yeah, my is like a little crazy. I don't know why he or she does that. I'm just going to let it go and move on. Let's have a good night tonight and let's go out to dinner, right?

Steven Ginsburg: 10:37

So I know I'm kind of simplifying it.

Steve Coughran: 10:38

But that was a huge lesson learned this week for me to apply to my life and just trying to determine okay, sometimes I got to deal with it. I got to deal with it, I got to put boundaries in place, I got to figure out a better structure or system. So this doesn't keep happening. So sure, I deal with certain things. Other things it's like they're out of my control. I can't control somebody else's behavior. I can't control this. Laugh it off, brush it off, forgive them whatever it may be and let it go and move on. What are your thoughts?

Steven Ginsburg: 11:10

You keep hitting key components that are huge, monumental needs and necessities for ongoing sobriety, you get into this realm where you are taught. Here's where you gain your power by understanding that you are powerless over people, places and things. We can't control what they do. What we can control is how we choose to respond to it and we can control what we do. And then, at the end of the day, no matter what anyone else does, we don't pick up a drink or drug, no matter what.

Steven Ginsburg: 11:45

You know, I talk a lot about resentment steve. We focus on resentment a lot when we do groups, because resentment is the number one offender where sobriety is concerned and where relapse is concerned. And the categorical definition of resentment that is really harmful for people is the fact that we drink poison and we hope the other guy dies. It just doesn't work. That's where acceptance comes into play. That's where understanding that we are empowered through the acceptance of our powerlessness and that's where, in that realm of surrender, that's where we get the W, that's where we get the win and that's where we have the peace.

Steve Coughran: 12:21

Yeah, and I love your talk about. You know drinking poison Cause I've been there. I know you've been there before in your life, Absolutely. It's crazy, like it's crazy that we do that. You know, it's like, oh, I'm going to drink and drug and I'm going to harm myself because I'm resentful about this or that, and it's a downward spiral, yeah.

Steven Ginsburg: 12:41

I want to kind of just stamper back to something you had brought up before and it was your own. It's where you can get to a place where, like, yeah, it was 500 hours that time around. I'm really going to get into that 200 hour silo and you know, hi? By realizing, hey, that's their stuff, that's where they're at, that is not my stuff, that's not where I'm at. I've taken care of my part, I'm done, and you wipe your hands, we've done the next right thing and that's all we can do. And it rolls right off the tongue. Piece of cake to talk about. Okay, let's live it now. That's where the practical application is important and that's where we've got to get our reps in. Steve, you get out there and live, you keep this design for living front and center, you stay focused on these elements and you live as such. And then it gets ingrained into your DNA and suddenly you've had a pivot, you've had a shift in your life approach and it's a better way to live.

Steve Coughran: 13:36

Yeah, I agree, and it's a much more peaceful way to live too, which I love. So, just yeah, it's a great thing that we want to leave with you listeners out there. Just think about this next time you get into a situation. Is it worth dealing with or is it just time to let it go? And maybe this simple little tool will help you in your life? But we really appreciate you tuning in and being a part of the restore community. If you want to learn more about what we're doing, if you want to reach out to us, we'd love to hear from you. You could go to restore detox centers. com and connect with us there there are a ton of resources. Or you could always shoot us an email at hello at restoredetoxcenters. com. Steven. Always a pleasure. Thanks, man.

Steven Ginsburg: 14:19

Thank you so much, and just to everybody, I wish you a day and a night filled with hope, health and serenity.